"ANYONE WHO WEARS A MASK IN ESCAMBIA COUNTY IS A PUSSY!"

I am very proud that the board did not capitulate to the lobbying from the communist side of this national controversy. Another meeting finished without a mandatory mask law. We will not meet again for another two weeks. If our current trends continue, our numbers will be looking great and that will take a lot of wind out of their sails....(Note: Who's fucking sails, Popeye?)....Beware a shocking headline from the PNJ with a new “spike” that is actually based on medical facts and not the bullshit that I pump out on social media on a daily basis. - The Commissar of Perdido Key

I wanted to show some of the comments and support that I received from anti-mask conspiracy freaks, Trumpers, MAGAs and overall retards who don't even live in Florida and who responded to my email that had everyone on the BOCC whining like a bunch of bitches. Thank you all! -CPK

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Being a sailor I always get photos from women on my Facebook page wanting sexy time with me but this photo tugged at my heartstrings. Pictured is an exotic dancer who wears a mask that is not just worthless but sexy. That's the Trump way!

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I had to Google these "musical" acts to find out who this contributor was talking about. I'm more of a Bing Crosby fan even though he was a secret raging boozehound who abused his kids to the point of suicide! 

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Feel free to contact my office for this get out of jail free card.

သရော်စာ

sarawhcar

I'M NOT GONNA WEAR A CONDOM ON MY HEAD IN ESCAMBIA COUNTY!

The Escambia County "Don't Be A Pussy And Wear A Mask" mandate proposed by the Commissar of Perido Key and thousands of other people who don't even fucking live in the state has apparently scared the BOCC shitless and they won't even vote on it tomorrow.

I refuse to wear a mask! It's like wearing a condom on your face and condoms are against the teachings of THE Donald Trump, MAGA, Walmart, The Navy Bluejackets Manual, and The Bible (It's in there somewhere for you heathens to search for). - Commissar of Perdido Key

Commissioner Jeff Bergosh said his emails have been overwhelmed by people writing about the mask issue, but he also questioned the veracity of emails after...

...Commissioner Doug Underhill put out a call in a national anti-mask social media group last week.

"It's created a lot of difficulty for my aide, Debbie and I, because we pride ourselves on returning every email," Bergosh said. "We've returned literally hundreds of emails. Now, we don't know who our constituents are, and who are folks from out of town who may be hyper-partisan on this issue."

- Pensacola News Journal

The Commissar hails this win as greater a victory than "When we whipped the asses of the Japanese at Pearl Harbor."

"First of all I would like to dedicate this victory to all my constituents who stood by me in this battle. Even though businesses were pissing all over your civil liberties by making you WEAR A MASK you followed my word so we together could squash this nefarious plot being hatched against us. GO MAGA!" 👌

  

Here are some of my personal reasons why I refuse to wear a mask - CPK 👑

1. Hang a toothpick from my lip. I’m not sure why this is a tough-guy thing, but it is. Kind of like how I can understand why I don’t need to wear a mask, but can’t explain it without getting all pissed off. Especially not to you, Maskhole.

2. Grit my teeth to show that I’m not exactly happy with how close you’re getting to my PT Cruiser. That’s right, the one with a Harley-Davidson sticker. The only souls who can lay hands on this throbbing hunk of American muscle and live to talk about it are me, myself, and the guy at Jiffy Lube who changes the oil for me—so back off, buddy. Or I’ll breathe.

3. Smoke big-ass cigars. Not only does it look boss as hell, it keeps me from eating too much candy. Let’s just say that I’ve earned a reputation for having a sweet tooth, which is why the fellas call me Sweetie. It’s one of those tough-guy nicknames that’s ironic, because I’m anything but sweet. Trust me. I'm a sailor.

4. Smooch bodacious babes. Tattooed  tourist hotties who have piercings and hair so red you almost forget that the smoke is coming from my stogie and not their scalps. I’m talking perfect tens, and they’d kill for a night with a sailor like me. My Commissar Facebook page is full of them and they click “like” on all the comments that I leave on their pics.

5. Donald Trump told me not to wear a mask.

풍자

pungja

JEFFREY EPSTEIN STATUE TO BE ERECTED IN PENSACOLA DURING THE LABOR DAY TRUMP BOAT PARADE!

DEDICATED TO HOT KARL ZIMMLER

May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face

________

She wasn't a MILF, a Cougar, more like a Sabre Tooth Tiger, but holy shit she was in good shape for her age. A little rugged looking but still attractive.

I had been downtown Pensacola at World Of Beers when I met Rhonda, a former old school Roller Derby star who used to play for the San Francisco Bay Bombers and was retired in Gulf Breeze. She kinda looked like Holly the HR rep in The Office.

One India Pale Ale led to another which led to smoking a couple of joints of B.C. Thunderfuck in the parking lot followed by heading back to Perdido Key for a dusk to dawn marathon sex-a-thon romp powered by Rhonda's ample supply of Bolivian marching powder.

When I finally regained consciousness it was already 1130. We both had "slept" through my alarm and I realized with a jolt that I was going to miss seeing Hot Karl off at the airport.

First, I called Luther Heggs who was driving Karl to the airport since Karl had been hiding out at his place. No answer after several attempts.

That's when it started getting weird. I tried Hot Karl's number and someone else answered. A man's voice. I hung up and tried again. Man answered again and I hung up. The next time the phone was answered with, "Who the fuck is this?"

I was using a burner phone so I pulled the SIM card and flushed it down the toilet and busted the phone into pieces.

By then, Rhonda was half dressed and drinking an espresso so I told her I had to drop her off at her car and go check on someone. She power slammed her espresso down like a longshoreman, grabbed her clothes, and walked out to my car in her bra and panties like she did it ever morning. Perdido Key is so weird and freaky with tourists that no one said a goddamn thing except for one old bastard...obviously an old Roller Derby fan... that ran up and asked for her autograph.

When I walked into Luther's apartment it looked like a scene from Leaving Las Vegas...

...and his suitcase looked it was a movie prop for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

One suitcase was full of clothes that looked like he could just as well have donated  to the Waterfront Mission...and the other was packed with bags of weed, bottles of narcotics and amphetamines, sheets of blotter acid and other psychedelics, nitrous poppers, and what looked like a kilo of cocaine. Four paper grocery bags held a gallon of vodka each.

"What the fuck, Luther? The cops bust in here we're both going straight to getting cornholed at Raiford State Prison."

He glanced over at me frantically. "I'm leaving town for good, Goat!"

"What the hell is going on? Where's Hot Karl?"

"When I took him to the airport a white van cut me off, these goons in black camos jumped out and sprayed me right in the fucking face with mace while they pulled Hot Karl out and beat the shit out of him with batons. They threw him in the van and took off and left me lying there blind as a goddamn bat on that hot ass pavement! While I was lying there a airport security guard came up and wrote me a ticket for being in the loading  zone too long. That cocksucker!"

I was thinking just how fortunate I was that my drug and booze induced state had prevented me from waking up on time.

"Was that asshole with the "Cornholing For Jesus" shirt with them?"

He turned around from his suitcase and looked at me with the weirdest expression on his face. "No. But I swear to God almighty that G. Gordon Liddy was driving."

"G. Gordon Liddy? Have you gone off your nut?"

"I swear, it looked just like him. When was the last time you talked to Karl?"

"Just yesterday morning. Right in this room. You were stone cold passed out in the back."

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 "Here's my passport photo. My contact is doing a rush job. It should be ready by this afternoon." Hot Karl Zimmler... 

...slid the photo across the table for me to examine.

"That trip to Great Clips did you wonders."

"I clean up good when I want to." 

"It was stealing the box from the White House that was going to the Commissar, wasn't it? That's what drew in the Feds!...

...That personally autographed by Trump shit that was going to be the grand prize at the Labor Day Trump Boat Parade."

"No. But they are righteously pissed about that. Actually, it happened when I was listening to Barr order the Commissar that he was going to have to slip Iron Mike Tyson a mickey before the Jones fight before it got moved back to California...I stayed on the line because the Commissar didn't hang up."

"What the hell was he doing?"

Hot Karl laughed maniacally, "He just put his phone down and started sobbing like a prom queen who lost her virginity to a guy with the Clap named Ray Bob and the phone call she just got came from her doctor who said she was pregnant."

"But curiosity gets turpentine shot in the cat's ass. Some software detected another line when I didn't disconnect quick enough. My computer set off a warning that I was being tracked but it was too fucking late. They traced that fucker in seconds. I threw all my computer gear in the trunk and grabbed my go bag. I tossed all the computer shit off of the Bill Barr Bridge. I'll be out of the country by tomorrow."

"You mean the Barrs Bridge."

"Not anymore. The County is going to re-name it the Bill Barr Bridge. It's going to be announced the week before the OBA Trump Boat Parade They should have the work order for the signs done in 9 to 12 weeks."

He pulled out a CD and popped it in the player. "But listen to this shit. This came from the guy I was working with on this. His name is Otis...

(This is my mental image of Otis)

...Man, this dude is a straight badass hardcore motherfucker on the Dark Web. He was still monitoring after I had to go dark, and a few hours Barr called back...."

Hot Karl hit play:

Commissar: How may I help you, Mr. Barr, Sir?

BB: You lucked out, Popeye! The fight is still going to be in California so you're off the hook. I was hoping that Tyson would catch you and rip your nuts off but it was not to be.

Commissar: Mr. Barr, I would have gone out on my shield for you and the President.

BB: Can the bullshit with the Audie Murphy spiel. I have another job for you. Hopefully you won't fuck this one up like everything else.

Commissar: You've picked the right man for the job, Mr. Barr

BB: I seriously doubt that, but we think we've located the perp who stole the Trump Flotilla grand prize. His balls are...

...gonna get hooked up to a Sears Die Hard. So if he talks, you're off the hook with that major league fuck up!

Commissar: That's certainly good news, Your Majesty.

BB: I wouldn't be blowing smoke up my ass just yet. You haven't even heard what I'm going to say yet and already you're kissing my sweet nether regions.

Commissar: What is the mission, Mr. Barr? I'm reporting for duty as ordered!

BB: (muttering) Jesus Fucking Christ!... Your mission, Captain Willard, is YOU ARE going to convince the Board of County Commissioners and the city of Pensacola to place a statue with a plaque of Jeffrey Epstein in the middle of the fountain at the Palafox Pier...

...the unveiling ceremony will be held during the Trump Labor Day Boat parade and  the Master of Ceremonies will be the John "The Wadd" Holmes of politics, Matt Gaetz and his trusty sidekick, Nestor...

...now you better get your ass in gear, Bitch!

Click!!

I had a tremendous urge to get the hell out of there, so I stood up to leave. "I'll see you at the airport in the morning."

Hot Karl held out to me a white box like you would keep monogrammed handkerchiefs in. "I had my last date with Flipper last night. Would you give this to her?"

"What's in it?" I asked, eyeing the box like it was full of Ricin.

"My grandfather's silk socks that I used only with Flipper. I think she'd cherish them."

"Are you fucking crazy?"

zerafi

SWG

 

   

SAFE SEX TIPS DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

From: The Commissar of Perdido Key

To: All residents of Perdido Key and District 2 residents  

may they be Christian or Heathen

CC: The Adjutant to the Commissar

Subj: SAFE SEX DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

I put out a Facebook posting and other information yesterday supporting the cause of good personal hygiene, although my feelings against wearing masks so you or someone else doesn't wind up on a ventilator remains strong as the fiber of this country.

But now, goodness gracious, some people got so upset that I have been directed by the powers above (against my Libertarian beliefs) to touch on a subject that makes many of you good folks including myself, very nervous and a little queasy.

S - E - X

DURING THE COVID-19 HOAX

Luckily for us, our second in Command of this great country of ours feels the same way, so we're all in good company (except for you heathens reading this).

#1 - SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK

First of all, I'm a firm believer in remaining a virgin until your wedding day. And once you marry that woman you stick by her side until the day you get lowered into that grave. 

I grew up in the Deep South, a mystical land where a man's greatest gifts in the world are obesity, drinking low quality beers, fried foods, antiquated racial beliefs, throwing up in parking lots, wearing Duck Dynasty t-shirts, and his belief in God. 

As a child I was trained in the art of being "manly." This included such Commandments as, "Thou shalt not burp," "Thou shalt not use words like 'pee'," and "Thou shalt always keep thine dipstick in thy pants."

Of course, these social graces of manliness were only part of the entire package. There were also the spiritual disciplines: patience, gentleness, a quiet spirit, hospitality, submission, nurture, and above all, MODESTY. These I cultivated at church events, where I volunteered in the children's ministry, sought counsel from pastoral staff on major life decisions, and submitted to my father's rules, advice, and protection until the time that he would hand my care over to my future wife. 

So if you're not married you should follow the rules of Mike Pence and not be having relations outside of holy matrimony anyway. This will help to slow the threat of the Corona virus and no mask mandate required. And no beating off! You get the urge: read your Bible, go to a movie, shoot hoops, volunteer at a Trump campaign center, or worse comes to worse you just give me a call and I'll talk you through it.

#2 - THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

As a youth, my Sea Scout troop leader took me to see this moving picture show and to this day I remember it's horrifying message and quite...

...frankly I still don't understand anyone of it with all the "who has what parts" monkey business. There is no need for further discussion on this subject. It just plain confuses me. And why did my Sea Scout leader have a hole in the bottom of his popcorn bucket?

#3 - MASTURBATION AND PORNOGRAPHY

First, I would like to say that masturbation is extremely dangerous. It has negative side-effects. It might be pleasurable for the moment, but it has serious mental, physical, and spiritual consequences. Sex is good and it was made to be between husband and wife for intimacy, enjoyment, and for making babies. Masturbation is essentially rejecting and twisting what God intended between husband and wife. You find a way to do your own thing with self-stimulation.

Any sailor in my command caught shooting his demon seed into a so-called "Cocksock" has stood tall before the man. Three days in the brig on bread and water and a nightly beating by Marine guards with their batons just like in Portland with those damn liberal dread lock wearing, essential oil wearing... 

...but anyway. This concludes my part of the presentation. I cannot discuss pornography as I have never seen it and the U. S. Navy does not allow it so due to Naval regulations I cannot speak of it.

So, in a nutshell:

- Don't have sex unless it's with your wife (only)

- Take a daily shower with proper scrubbing of the nether regions including the bunghole

- Don't look at pornography (ever) unless it's GOP certified...

- No masturbating unless your wife does it for you

- Remember it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve 

I would now like to welcome onboard our Great Leader's hand picked newest Doctor to lead the fight against the Pandemic hoax even though he doesn't know what country she comes from.

👌

ATTACHED IS THE LATEST MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE ECHWCDC!

(Posted against my approval)

THE PROS AND CONS OF GLORY HOLES!

The Escambia County Health and Wellness Center for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s review the ups and downs for glory holes.

So our team did some first-hand research and compiled a list of all of the positives and negatives associated with sticking or receiving a dick through a hole in a bathroom stall and into some stranger’s orifice

PROS:

– Meet new people with common interests

– Eye contact with strangers can be awkward

– Nothing’s hotter than a public bathroom

– Vacation in your state's most breath-taking truck stops

– If you get nervous, you can picture them naked

– Stay up-to-date in the latest footwear fashion

– Sex in public

– Multi-task and work on your bathroom stall graffiti. "He who writes on bathroom walls rolls their shit in little balls" and so on

– Face it, you were gonna do it sooner or later

– Creating one at home makes for a fun family DIY project

– You get a story to tell

CONS:

-You have to tell that story to the cop who busts you

– Can’t tell if they’re wearing a mask

– Your voice isn’t as sexy as you think it is

– Gotta bring your own lube, and that’s a hassle

– Filing the report to register as a sex offender can be a pain in the ass

– Sex before marriage is a one-way ticket to hell

– Sex in public

– No high-fives

– Shit, weren’t blowjobs considered a high COVID risk?

– Busting an anonymous fat nut won’t solve world hunger

– You’ll probably fall in love

After compiling all the positives and negatives, we hope you use the most sensible and safe sexual methods possible in this pandemic.

Fèihuà