SAFE SEX TIPS DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

From: The Commissar of Perdido Key

To: All residents of Perdido Key and District 2 residents  

may they be Christian or Heathen

CC: The Adjutant to the Commissar

Subj: SAFE SEX DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

I put out a Facebook posting and other information yesterday supporting the cause of good personal hygiene, although my feelings against wearing masks so you or someone else doesn't wind up on a ventilator remains strong as the fiber of this country.

But now, goodness gracious, some people got so upset that I have been directed by the powers above (against my Libertarian beliefs) to touch on a subject that makes many of you good folks including myself, very nervous and a little queasy.

S - E - X

DURING THE COVID-19 HOAX

Luckily for us, our second in Command of this great country of ours feels the same way, so we're all in good company (except for you heathens reading this).

#1 - SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK

First of all, I'm a firm believer in remaining a virgin until your wedding day. And once you marry that woman you stick by her side until the day you get lowered into that grave. 

I grew up in the Deep South, a mystical land where a man's greatest gifts in the world are obesity, drinking low quality beers, fried foods, antiquated racial beliefs, throwing up in parking lots, wearing Duck Dynasty t-shirts, and his belief in God. 

As a child I was trained in the art of being "manly." This included such Commandments as, "Thou shalt not burp," "Thou shalt not use words like 'pee'," and "Thou shalt always keep thine dipstick in thy pants."

Of course, these social graces of manliness were only part of the entire package. There were also the spiritual disciplines: patience, gentleness, a quiet spirit, hospitality, submission, nurture, and above all, MODESTY. These I cultivated at church events, where I volunteered in the children's ministry, sought counsel from pastoral staff on major life decisions, and submitted to my father's rules, advice, and protection until the time that he would hand my care over to my future wife. 

So if you're not married you should follow the rules of Mike Pence and not be having relations outside of holy matrimony anyway. This will help to slow the threat of the Corona virus and no mask mandate required. And no beating off! You get the urge: read your Bible, go to a movie, shoot hoops, volunteer at a Trump campaign center, or worse comes to worse you just give me a call and I'll talk you through it.

#2 - THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

As a youth, my Sea Scout troop leader took me to see this moving picture show and to this day I remember it's horrifying message and quite...

...frankly I still don't understand anyone of it with all the "who has what parts" monkey business. There is no need for further discussion on this subject. It just plain confuses me. And why did my Sea Scout leader have a hole in the bottom of his popcorn bucket?

#3 - MASTURBATION AND PORNOGRAPHY

First, I would like to say that masturbation is extremely dangerous. It has negative side-effects. It might be pleasurable for the moment, but it has serious mental, physical, and spiritual consequences. Sex is good and it was made to be between husband and wife for intimacy, enjoyment, and for making babies. Masturbation is essentially rejecting and twisting what God intended between husband and wife. You find a way to do your own thing with self-stimulation.

Any sailor in my command caught shooting his demon seed into a so-called "Cocksock" has stood tall before the man. Three days in the brig on bread and water and a nightly beating by Marine guards with their batons just like in Portland with those damn liberal dread lock wearing, essential oil wearing... 

...but anyway. This concludes my part of the presentation. I cannot discuss pornography as I have never seen it and the U. S. Navy does not allow it so due to Naval regulations I cannot speak of it.

So, in a nutshell:

- Don't have sex unless it's with your wife (only)

- Take a daily shower with proper scrubbing of the nether regions including the bunghole

- Don't look at pornography (ever) unless it's GOP certified...

- No masturbating unless your wife does it for you

- Remember it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve 

I would now like to welcome onboard our Great Leader's hand picked newest Doctor to lead the fight against the Pandemic hoax even though he doesn't know what country she comes from.

👌

ATTACHED IS THE LATEST MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE ECHWCDC!

(Posted against my approval)

THE PROS AND CONS OF GLORY HOLES!

The Escambia County Health and Wellness Center for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s review the ups and downs for glory holes.

So our team did some first-hand research and compiled a list of all of the positives and negatives associated with sticking or receiving a dick through a hole in a bathroom stall and into some stranger’s orifice

PROS:

– Meet new people with common interests

– Eye contact with strangers can be awkward

– Nothing’s hotter than a public bathroom

– Vacation in your state's most breath-taking truck stops

– If you get nervous, you can picture them naked

– Stay up-to-date in the latest footwear fashion

– Sex in public

– Multi-task and work on your bathroom stall graffiti. "He who writes on bathroom walls rolls their shit in little balls" and so on

– Face it, you were gonna do it sooner or later

– Creating one at home makes for a fun family DIY project

– You get a story to tell

CONS:

-You have to tell that story to the cop who busts you

– Can’t tell if they’re wearing a mask

– Your voice isn’t as sexy as you think it is

– Gotta bring your own lube, and that’s a hassle

– Filing the report to register as a sex offender can be a pain in the ass

– Sex before marriage is a one-way ticket to hell

– Sex in public

– No high-fives

– Shit, weren’t blowjobs considered a high COVID risk?

– Busting an anonymous fat nut won’t solve world hunger

– You’ll probably fall in love

After compiling all the positives and negatives, we hope you use the most sensible and safe sexual methods possible in this pandemic.

Fèihuà

THE HULKSTER AND SELF ABUSE ON PERDIDO KEY

A straight stream of beer shot out of my nostrils with such force it was like my nose was a bazooka! I bet it shot 15 feet out from my balcony.

"You heard what? Have you lost your goddamn mind? You sound like you dropped some Orange Sunshine and pissed on a electric fence!"

Luther "Scoop" Heggs was sucking down his 3rd or 4th triple screwdriver in a Mason jar and smoking a joint the size of a White Owl cigar.

"Believe it or fucking not but I've got 2 strong sources. Do you know Rusty Johnson, works maintenance down at the County building?"

"Rusty Trombone? Sure! I went to a party on his boat not too long ago. Fuck, there was just a shit ton of blow at that party, I had this hot blonde bent over th..."

"Shut up and let me tell my story, shitstick! For once! Please!"

I started rolling a number for myself. "Well, go ahead ya insensitive rude bitch...but she was pretty fucking hot."

"Rusty was working the day shift and the BOCC had a secret meeting. He pulled the stunt Jay Leno did when he was trying to find out if it was him or Letterman for the Tonight Show and hid in the room next to the meeting. Same deal with the old Trombone. He heard it word for word."

"That Hulk Hogan wants to start a an anti-masturbation rehab clinic on the Key! Jesus Christ! Who's your other source? Harley, the guy that likes to stand up on Cervantes and wag his dick at cars while he holds the sign that says "Jesus Love You"?"

"No, asshole! It's none other than Hot Karl Zimmler!"

"How did you manage that? Last I heard Hot Karl was looking to kick the crap out you after that chickenshit stunt you pulled at the Trump rally."

Hot Karl had been beaten like a mule at the Orange Beach Trump Flotilla by drunken MAGAs and Luther hadn't jumped in. Hot Karl had found out about this massive show of local disrespect and vowed to "Kick Luther's balls so hard he shits and pukes at the same time!" 

Luther gave me a crafty grin. "I smoothed things over with a big jug of Jack Daniel's, some sweet buds, and a fling with with Flipper. Cost me some serious jack, too. Flipper isn't into Karl's thing. At all! Or Karl for that matter. She said he smells like he sleeps in a dumpster behind Winn-Dixie! Karl was so fucking excited he was taking one of his Grandfather's vintage socks that he's been keeping in mothballs for a special occasion."

"Puke! I'd hate to be the maid cleaning that fleabag motel room. What did you need Karl for?"

"That pervert has crazy Internet skills...real Dark Web shit. He gets me Viagra and Vicodin for practically nothing. He got through a backdoor...slick dick Willie for him...and read the e-mails between four of the Five Families on both their office and home computers."

"Only four of the Five Families? Who wasn't there?"

"Who do you think? The Commissar!"

"Let's step back to Rusty Trombone first."

"Rusty had just finished installing a new faucet in the bathroom of the Five Families lair and was putting his tools away in the storage room next door. The job had taken him a bit longer than normal due to four beers and a joint at lunch...he was probably just sleeping it off in there... and it was past working hours so he thought everyone was gone for the day. That's when he heard the Four of the Five come in."

"Is Rusty normally that interested in the shit that flows out their mouths that he would take the time to spy on them?"

"Fuck no! But he said they were whispering frantically and he heard them say things about Hulk Hogan, jacking off, and The Commissar so I would say that caught his attention."

"Agreed." I said as I steamed internally watching Scoop opening up another bottle of MY Grey Goose without asking.

"They were pretty close to the air vent and he could hear pretty good. What he got out of it was The Commissar had shown them a written proposal that he had "stumbled" on where Hulk Hogan was proposing to build an high end anti-masturbation rehab facility/spa in that area on Perdido Key right across the street from the Lost Key Beach Club where MAGAs buy their..

  

...Trump trinkets and KKK memorabilia in that inbred hillbilly shitbox trailer that the Sheriff never seems time to have shut down. He claimed the developers were trying to do it on the down low like Gene Valentino with his fucking bingo parlor. He was in full blown Commissar mode. Ranting and raving about he would lay down in front of the construction trucks like he was that Chinese guy in front of the tanks before he would allow that school to be built on HIS GODDAMN KEY!"

"He had a pamphlet on him that he only had one copy of, so they could only look at it. So Hot Karl did his magic show on the Dark Web and the next thing you know I have a copy. It was on you know who's computer."

He started drunkenly digging around in his backpack. 

"You do know, Scoop, that Hulk Hogan banged Bubba the Love Sponge's wife and Bubba filmed it. There was an enormous lawsuit after Gawker posted it online. So I doubt the Hulkster is is the kind of guy starting a stop beating your meat school."

He tossed a pamphlet in my lap. "Check it out then, Mr. Smartass!"

   ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

"Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body."

Did you girls know that you are in more danger of contracting COVID-19 through your lady chemicals as quoted by Pat Robertson.🕇

“Lost souls of masturbation seem to have been reacting to feelings of powerlessness and distrust towards elites by becoming more conservative and advocating for a return to conservative moral beliefs.”

In 1760 Swiss physician, Samuel-Auguste Tissot, wrote about the “disease” of masturbation. He argued semen was an “essential oil” and when lost from the body in large amounts caused a reduction in male strength, memory and reason (similar to the symptoms Davidson described some 250 years later). Later, Tissot’s ideas were reinforced by doctors like American Benjamin Rush who believed wanking caused blindness.

“After a session of watching porn I would feel dirty, grumpy, and my energy for the day would be gone,” he says. “Imagine someone slapping you around the face everyday. After a while you’d look pretty rough wouldn’t you? I was jerking off daily and my penis looked pretty worn out! My penis now looks healthier – thicker in shape and erections stronger than ever.” Beavis argues “the proof is in the pudding” and being part of the anti-masturbation community has changed him “for the better” as a person. “I want it to carry on that way,” he says.

At the Hulk Hogan Spa you'll enjoy delightful meals that closely follow the nutritional guidelines of the famous Dr. John Kellogg. The man was thinking decades ahead of his time.

Supplements and much needed accessories are part of the anti-jacker lifestyle.

 

You'll have comfortable lodgings.

Famous guest speakers (Disclaimer: IF they're still alive) like the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

💀

💀 

The Lovely Miss Elizabeth

Hacksaw Jim Duggan - reportedly still living and available for bookings if sober.

The latest and most accurate data on the subject.

 SPECIALISTS AND TRAINING FILMS WILL BE AT YOUR DISPOSAL 24/7 FOR WHEN THE EVIL URGE THAT CAUSES THE TINGLING OF THE  LOINS RESULTING IN YOU GUYS TO SLAM THE HAM AND YOU GALS TO FLICK THE BEAN.

🕇🕇🕇

RELIGION AND IT'S STANCE ON SPANKING THE MONKEY.

Why, exactly, is masturbation sinful? Most importantly, just like any other sin, because it violates God's holiness. Masturbation is against God, against His ways and His purposes for how men and women are to relate to one another in a marital union that reflects the relationship of Christ to the Church.

Masturbation is also sinful because it compromises us. We are made in God's image. We are meant to glorify Him in every aspect of our lives, and masturbation hinders us in this mission in two principal ways—by polluting our minds and by inclining us to isolation.

THE DAY YOU LEAVE SPANKING THE MONKEY IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR WILL BE THE BEST AND MOST SUCCESSFUL DAY OF YOUR LIFE!

YOU'LL GET A GRADUATION CERTIFICATE SIGNED BY FAPPY HIMSELF

&

A STUNNING T-SHIRT TO PROVE THAT YOU NO LONGER NEED TO SPILL YOUR DEMON SEED INDISCRIMINATELY LIKE A COMMON HEATHEN

 

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON HOW TO QUIT JACKING OFF OBSESSIVELY, CONTACT THESE FINE INSTITUTIONS:

https://www.facebook.com/CHRISTIANMOTHERSAGAINST/

CHRISTIAN MOTHERS AGAINST MASTURBATION

https://nofap.com/about/

LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE THE HULKSTER, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, DRINK YOUR MILK, AND QUIT CHOKING THAT CHICKEN!!

Coming to Perdido Key this Fall!

    ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

I tossed the pamphlet back to Luther. "That fucking thing was done on some home computer. Poorly."

"Of course it is. The Commissar had his aide make it up most likely. It's the work of a sixth grader."

"For what possible reason?"

"Hot Karl found some documents and proposal online that showed that company wanting to put in a business on that exact same location for several years but they've always run into some weird roadblock. His first term the Commissar was talking about this company wanting to build there..

...so that got shot down in a minute." 

"This time the company has become more aggressive in its proposal...they suspect a snake in the woodpile...to put a business on the Key. They had plans to sign Hulk Hogan as their spokesman since he's a Florida guy but fucking Bubba's wife and that Gawker video washed those plans. Now they"re talking about signing Jesse Ventura."

"What the hell kind of business is it?"

I'd never seen Scoop smile like that. Actually it was quite hideous since he still looked

like he had been beat to shit by Mike Tyson at that Circle K by this unknown assailant.

"A Jet Ski school!"

"Holy shit!"

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