"ANYONE WHO WEARS A MASK IN ESCAMBIA COUNTY IS A PUSSY!"

I am very proud that the board did not capitulate to the lobbying from the communist side of this national controversy. Another meeting finished without a mandatory mask law. We will not meet again for another two weeks. If our current trends continue, our numbers will be looking great and that will take a lot of wind out of their sails....(Note: Who's fucking sails, Popeye?)....Beware a shocking headline from the PNJ with a new “spike” that is actually based on medical facts and not the bullshit that I pump out on social media on a daily basis. - The Commissar of Perdido Key

I wanted to show some of the comments and support that I received from anti-mask conspiracy freaks, Trumpers, MAGAs and overall retards who don't even live in Florida and who responded to my email that had everyone on the BOCC whining like a bunch of bitches. Thank you all! -CPK

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Being a sailor I always get photos from women on my Facebook page wanting sexy time with me but this photo tugged at my heartstrings. Pictured is an exotic dancer who wears a mask that is not just worthless but sexy. That's the Trump way!

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I had to Google these "musical" acts to find out who this contributor was talking about. I'm more of a Bing Crosby fan even though he was a secret raging boozehound who abused his kids to the point of suicide! 

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Feel free to contact my office for this get out of jail free card.

သရော်စာ

sarawhcar

SAFE SEX TIPS DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

From: The Commissar of Perdido Key

To: All residents of Perdido Key and District 2 residents  

may they be Christian or Heathen

CC: The Adjutant to the Commissar

Subj: SAFE SEX DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

I put out a Facebook posting and other information yesterday supporting the cause of good personal hygiene, although my feelings against wearing masks so you or someone else doesn't wind up on a ventilator remains strong as the fiber of this country.

But now, goodness gracious, some people got so upset that I have been directed by the powers above (against my Libertarian beliefs) to touch on a subject that makes many of you good folks including myself, very nervous and a little queasy.

S - E - X

DURING THE COVID-19 HOAX

Luckily for us, our second in Command of this great country of ours feels the same way, so we're all in good company (except for you heathens reading this).

#1 - SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK

First of all, I'm a firm believer in remaining a virgin until your wedding day. And once you marry that woman you stick by her side until the day you get lowered into that grave. 

I grew up in the Deep South, a mystical land where a man's greatest gifts in the world are obesity, drinking low quality beers, fried foods, antiquated racial beliefs, throwing up in parking lots, wearing Duck Dynasty t-shirts, and his belief in God. 

As a child I was trained in the art of being "manly." This included such Commandments as, "Thou shalt not burp," "Thou shalt not use words like 'pee'," and "Thou shalt always keep thine dipstick in thy pants."

Of course, these social graces of manliness were only part of the entire package. There were also the spiritual disciplines: patience, gentleness, a quiet spirit, hospitality, submission, nurture, and above all, MODESTY. These I cultivated at church events, where I volunteered in the children's ministry, sought counsel from pastoral staff on major life decisions, and submitted to my father's rules, advice, and protection until the time that he would hand my care over to my future wife. 

So if you're not married you should follow the rules of Mike Pence and not be having relations outside of holy matrimony anyway. This will help to slow the threat of the Corona virus and no mask mandate required. And no beating off! You get the urge: read your Bible, go to a movie, shoot hoops, volunteer at a Trump campaign center, or worse comes to worse you just give me a call and I'll talk you through it.

#2 - THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

As a youth, my Sea Scout troop leader took me to see this moving picture show and to this day I remember it's horrifying message and quite...

...frankly I still don't understand anyone of it with all the "who has what parts" monkey business. There is no need for further discussion on this subject. It just plain confuses me. And why did my Sea Scout leader have a hole in the bottom of his popcorn bucket?

#3 - MASTURBATION AND PORNOGRAPHY

First, I would like to say that masturbation is extremely dangerous. It has negative side-effects. It might be pleasurable for the moment, but it has serious mental, physical, and spiritual consequences. Sex is good and it was made to be between husband and wife for intimacy, enjoyment, and for making babies. Masturbation is essentially rejecting and twisting what God intended between husband and wife. You find a way to do your own thing with self-stimulation.

Any sailor in my command caught shooting his demon seed into a so-called "Cocksock" has stood tall before the man. Three days in the brig on bread and water and a nightly beating by Marine guards with their batons just like in Portland with those damn liberal dread lock wearing, essential oil wearing... 

...but anyway. This concludes my part of the presentation. I cannot discuss pornography as I have never seen it and the U. S. Navy does not allow it so due to Naval regulations I cannot speak of it.

So, in a nutshell:

- Don't have sex unless it's with your wife (only)

- Take a daily shower with proper scrubbing of the nether regions including the bunghole

- Don't look at pornography (ever) unless it's GOP certified...

- No masturbating unless your wife does it for you

- Remember it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve 

I would now like to welcome onboard our Great Leader's hand picked newest Doctor to lead the fight against the Pandemic hoax even though he doesn't know what country she comes from.

👌

ATTACHED IS THE LATEST MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE ECHWCDC!

(Posted against my approval)

THE PROS AND CONS OF GLORY HOLES!

The Escambia County Health and Wellness Center for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s review the ups and downs for glory holes.

So our team did some first-hand research and compiled a list of all of the positives and negatives associated with sticking or receiving a dick through a hole in a bathroom stall and into some stranger’s orifice

PROS:

– Meet new people with common interests

– Eye contact with strangers can be awkward

– Nothing’s hotter than a public bathroom

– Vacation in your state's most breath-taking truck stops

– If you get nervous, you can picture them naked

– Stay up-to-date in the latest footwear fashion

– Sex in public

– Multi-task and work on your bathroom stall graffiti. "He who writes on bathroom walls rolls their shit in little balls" and so on

– Face it, you were gonna do it sooner or later

– Creating one at home makes for a fun family DIY project

– You get a story to tell

CONS:

-You have to tell that story to the cop who busts you

– Can’t tell if they’re wearing a mask

– Your voice isn’t as sexy as you think it is

– Gotta bring your own lube, and that’s a hassle

– Filing the report to register as a sex offender can be a pain in the ass

– Sex before marriage is a one-way ticket to hell

– Sex in public

– No high-fives

– Shit, weren’t blowjobs considered a high COVID risk?

– Busting an anonymous fat nut won’t solve world hunger

– You’ll probably fall in love

After compiling all the positives and negatives, we hope you use the most sensible and safe sexual methods possible in this pandemic.

Fèihuà

BREAKING NEWS: ROGER STONE IS SLATED TO BE THE GRAND MARSHALL OF THE OBA LABOR DAY TRUMP PARADE

"I'm gonna make those dirty bastards pay for jumping me at that last Trump Flotilla! Especially that fat son of a bitch wearing the "Get cornholed by Jesus shirt! Sooner or later. It's gonna be payback time."

- Hot Karl Zimmler

Hot Karl Zimmler

The local MAGA security force Captain who is suspected in the total asskickings of Hot Karl Zimmler and Luther "Scoop" Heggs.

"He's gonna wish he had never fucked with the likes of me and Hot Karl," mumbled Luther "Scoop" Heggs, who was already so shitfaced he could hardly sit up in his beach chair, "Fucking Bible thumper."

"He didn't thump your ass with a Bible, Scoop. If I recall he thumped it with Mary Trump's book."

Hot Karl, Scoop, and myself were sitting way out on Johnson Beach so no tourist could spy us drinking gin & tonics and smoking big chunks of Black Hash in a tobacco pipe. Karl looked pretty much like he always did. Luther though, still looked like a gorilla had jumped out of a dumpster and beat the shit out of him!

Local artist rendition of Luther before getting the crap pounded out of him.

 

And after (simulated).

"What scheme have you two asswipes got cooking now?"

Luther suddenly bolted to his feet and made a mad dash to the sand dunes.

"We're going to raise some hell for that Trump Boat parade on Labor Day and get some payback on these motherfuckers." I could hardly hear him over the sounds of Luther puking up his gin & tonics and whatever combination of booze and narcotics he had sucked down last night. It sounded like he was barfing up his toenails.

"Wait a second? Those Lysol sniffers are holding another one of the damn things? With Florida being one of the hardest hit states for the Corona virus?"

"Hell yes! Half the country has shit for brains and in Florida about three-quarters. The dumb fucks are sending their kids back to school in a few weeks if you need an example. But we're planning on something bigly as the fascist who has his gigantic ass parked in the White House likes to say. Something that will hit the national news, go fucking viral, Goat!"

Luther staggered back from the dunes and sat down in his chair and fired up a heater and poured a glass of hair of the dog. He smelled like a vomit factory!

Karl dug around in Luther's backpack and pulled out Scoop's mini-recorder and handed it to me. "You better wipe that fucking tape recorder down with Everclear before I touch it."

Karl poured some gin over the recorder and wiped it down with his grimy t-shirt. He hit play and handed it to me. I held it between two fingers like it was packed with C-4.

"I was hearing rumors about something big happening at this Trump Parade and I still have the taps running so I listened into a conversation with the Commissar and some higher up in the Land of the Great and Powerful Trump."

"Sound intriguing." The heat and the sight and smell of Scoop were making me queasy so I took the recorder and walked down to the surf.

🕭🕭🕭🕭 Phone ringing. "Sir, Commissar speaking, Sir!"

"My first question, Mr. Potato Head, is what the hell are you doing down there in the mosquito infested hellhole hovel that you call home? Working on your jug blowing?"

"Sir, I was preparing my daily briefing to my constituents. I have a very large following who depend upon my leadership."

"I saw it already. When are you going to stop this whiny "I'm a Libertarian" shit? Just admit you follow the marching orders of DeSantis who gets his orders from his White House Holiness. DeSantis, who by the way, better quit acting like a retard in front of the press if he knows what's good for him...

...and you need to quit putting out this drivel that no one believes anyway. Who the fuck do you think you are, Bill Nye - The Science Guy? Get your shit together! And quit quoting Fox News!"

"Sir, what seems to be the problem, Sir?"

"Quit calling me Sir. I'm not in the goddamn Navy. Call me Mr. Barr... 

...and the reason I'm calling is you were given one task and one task only and it appears you're shitting the bed on that one simple task."

"Do you mean the left turn lane controversy at the Galvez Boat ramp?" 

"What? Jesus Christ on roller skates! And I thought DeSantis was challenged. No, dumbass! Stone! You were so supposed to keep him secluded and under wraps. He's running around Perdido Key like he's Mick Jagger...who I think should be deported. Him and that goddamn Tom Petty and Neil Young. I'm getting all sorts of fucking reports about that freak parading around down there like he's the lovechild of Liberace and J. Edgar Hoover."

"I'll admit, Mr. Barr, he can be quite the rascal but I assure you everything here is shipshape! My adjutant has everything squared away."

"No, not everything is shipshape, Mr. Roberts! What about that dipshit giving that interview? That went over like a wet bean and beer shart in church!"

"On me, totally, Mr. B. I didn...."

"What in the name of hell did you call me, you backwoods turd!" He shrieked!

"I meant Mr. Barr, Sir! And Roger somehow got his hands on a phone and gave that interview without my knowledge. His personal phone was confiscated before they dropped him off here."

You could hear Barr whispering and muttering to someone in the background...the word "loser" was heavily peppered throughout the conversation.

"Mr. Barr?"

"Now you listen to me and I don't want to hear another word out of your cock holster. The Man himself wants the The Man of La Mancha to be the Grand Marshall of the Labor Day Trump Parade and it's your job to keep his scrawny naked ass under wraps until then. Do not, I repeat, do not fuck this up! Expect a package from Trump's brain dead...

...daughter for the raffle in two days. The Prez is going to "autograph" it himself and wants to Stone to present it!"

CLICK👌

"And your master plan being what?" I was sweaty, hot, stoned,and drunk and I was craving a air conditioned bar with a kindly waitress sporting big jugs and cold draft beers, so I started packing up. A little of Karl and Luther can go a long way, especially on a hot day. The combination was like the smell of a dumpster behind a strip club!

Karl looked over at Luther who was passed out cold. His head hanging all the way back and a string of thick drool ran from his mouth to the sand. He was drunk as two longshoreman and it was barely noon.

"I've got tracers set up with all major delivery services. I'll know when that package gets in the area. I'm going to steal that dildo and hold it fucking hostage. Those MAGAs want it back, they're gonna pay big dineros. I'm going to get all the major press involved."

"And when you get out of of Leavenworth you"ll have an asshole as big as a silver dollar unless they pull an Epstein on you."

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