THE HULKSTER AND SELF ABUSE ON PERDIDO KEY

A straight stream of beer shot out of my nostrils with such force it was like my nose was a bazooka! I bet it shot 15 feet out from my balcony.

"You heard what? Have you lost your goddamn mind? You sound like you dropped some Orange Sunshine and pissed on a electric fence!"

Luther "Scoop" Heggs was sucking down his 3rd or 4th triple screwdriver in a Mason jar and smoking a joint the size of a White Owl cigar.

"Believe it or fucking not but I've got 2 strong sources. Do you know Rusty Johnson, works maintenance down at the County building?"

"Rusty Trombone? Sure! I went to a party on his boat not too long ago. Fuck, there was just a shit ton of blow at that party, I had this hot blonde bent over th..."

"Shut up and let me tell my story, shitstick! For once! Please!"

I started rolling a number for myself. "Well, go ahead ya insensitive rude bitch...but she was pretty fucking hot."

"Rusty was working the day shift and the BOCC had a secret meeting. He pulled the stunt Jay Leno did when he was trying to find out if it was him or Letterman for the Tonight Show and hid in the room next to the meeting. Same deal with the old Trombone. He heard it word for word."

"That Hulk Hogan wants to start a an anti-masturbation rehab clinic on the Key! Jesus Christ! Who's your other source? Harley, the guy that likes to stand up on Cervantes and wag his dick at cars while he holds the sign that says "Jesus Love You"?"

"No, asshole! It's none other than Hot Karl Zimmler!"

"How did you manage that? Last I heard Hot Karl was looking to kick the crap out you after that chickenshit stunt you pulled at the Trump rally."

Hot Karl had been beaten like a mule at the Orange Beach Trump Flotilla by drunken MAGAs and Luther hadn't jumped in. Hot Karl had found out about this massive show of local disrespect and vowed to "Kick Luther's balls so hard he shits and pukes at the same time!" 

Luther gave me a crafty grin. "I smoothed things over with a big jug of Jack Daniel's, some sweet buds, and a fling with with Flipper. Cost me some serious jack, too. Flipper isn't into Karl's thing. At all! Or Karl for that matter. She said he smells like he sleeps in a dumpster behind Winn-Dixie! Karl was so fucking excited he was taking one of his Grandfather's vintage socks that he's been keeping in mothballs for a special occasion."

"Puke! I'd hate to be the maid cleaning that fleabag motel room. What did you need Karl for?"

"That pervert has crazy Internet skills...real Dark Web shit. He gets me Viagra and Vicodin for practically nothing. He got through a backdoor...slick dick Willie for him...and read the e-mails between four of the Five Families on both their office and home computers."

"Only four of the Five Families? Who wasn't there?"

"Who do you think? The Commissar!"

"Let's step back to Rusty Trombone first."

"Rusty had just finished installing a new faucet in the bathroom of the Five Families lair and was putting his tools away in the storage room next door. The job had taken him a bit longer than normal due to four beers and a joint at lunch...he was probably just sleeping it off in there... and it was past working hours so he thought everyone was gone for the day. That's when he heard the Four of the Five come in."

"Is Rusty normally that interested in the shit that flows out their mouths that he would take the time to spy on them?"

"Fuck no! But he said they were whispering frantically and he heard them say things about Hulk Hogan, jacking off, and The Commissar so I would say that caught his attention."

"Agreed." I said as I steamed internally watching Scoop opening up another bottle of MY Grey Goose without asking.

"They were pretty close to the air vent and he could hear pretty good. What he got out of it was The Commissar had shown them a written proposal that he had "stumbled" on where Hulk Hogan was proposing to build an high end anti-masturbation rehab facility/spa in that area on Perdido Key right across the street from the Lost Key Beach Club where MAGAs buy their..

  

...Trump trinkets and KKK memorabilia in that inbred hillbilly shitbox trailer that the Sheriff never seems time to have shut down. He claimed the developers were trying to do it on the down low like Gene Valentino with his fucking bingo parlor. He was in full blown Commissar mode. Ranting and raving about he would lay down in front of the construction trucks like he was that Chinese guy in front of the tanks before he would allow that school to be built on HIS GODDAMN KEY!"

"He had a pamphlet on him that he only had one copy of, so they could only look at it. So Hot Karl did his magic show on the Dark Web and the next thing you know I have a copy. It was on you know who's computer."

He started drunkenly digging around in his backpack. 

"You do know, Scoop, that Hulk Hogan banged Bubba the Love Sponge's wife and Bubba filmed it. There was an enormous lawsuit after Gawker posted it online. So I doubt the Hulkster is is the kind of guy starting a stop beating your meat school."

He tossed a pamphlet in my lap. "Check it out then, Mr. Smartass!"

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"Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body."

Did you girls know that you are in more danger of contracting COVID-19 through your lady chemicals as quoted by Pat Robertson.🕇

“Lost souls of masturbation seem to have been reacting to feelings of powerlessness and distrust towards elites by becoming more conservative and advocating for a return to conservative moral beliefs.”

In 1760 Swiss physician, Samuel-Auguste Tissot, wrote about the “disease” of masturbation. He argued semen was an “essential oil” and when lost from the body in large amounts caused a reduction in male strength, memory and reason (similar to the symptoms Davidson described some 250 years later). Later, Tissot’s ideas were reinforced by doctors like American Benjamin Rush who believed wanking caused blindness.

“After a session of watching porn I would feel dirty, grumpy, and my energy for the day would be gone,” he says. “Imagine someone slapping you around the face everyday. After a while you’d look pretty rough wouldn’t you? I was jerking off daily and my penis looked pretty worn out! My penis now looks healthier – thicker in shape and erections stronger than ever.” Beavis argues “the proof is in the pudding” and being part of the anti-masturbation community has changed him “for the better” as a person. “I want it to carry on that way,” he says.

At the Hulk Hogan Spa you'll enjoy delightful meals that closely follow the nutritional guidelines of the famous Dr. John Kellogg. The man was thinking decades ahead of his time.

Supplements and much needed accessories are part of the anti-jacker lifestyle.

 

You'll have comfortable lodgings.

Famous guest speakers (Disclaimer: IF they're still alive) like the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

💀

💀 

The Lovely Miss Elizabeth

Hacksaw Jim Duggan - reportedly still living and available for bookings if sober.

The latest and most accurate data on the subject.

 SPECIALISTS AND TRAINING FILMS WILL BE AT YOUR DISPOSAL 24/7 FOR WHEN THE EVIL URGE THAT CAUSES THE TINGLING OF THE  LOINS RESULTING IN YOU GUYS TO SLAM THE HAM AND YOU GALS TO FLICK THE BEAN.

🕇🕇🕇

RELIGION AND IT'S STANCE ON SPANKING THE MONKEY.

Why, exactly, is masturbation sinful? Most importantly, just like any other sin, because it violates God's holiness. Masturbation is against God, against His ways and His purposes for how men and women are to relate to one another in a marital union that reflects the relationship of Christ to the Church.

Masturbation is also sinful because it compromises us. We are made in God's image. We are meant to glorify Him in every aspect of our lives, and masturbation hinders us in this mission in two principal ways—by polluting our minds and by inclining us to isolation.

THE DAY YOU LEAVE SPANKING THE MONKEY IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR WILL BE THE BEST AND MOST SUCCESSFUL DAY OF YOUR LIFE!

YOU'LL GET A GRADUATION CERTIFICATE SIGNED BY FAPPY HIMSELF

&

A STUNNING T-SHIRT TO PROVE THAT YOU NO LONGER NEED TO SPILL YOUR DEMON SEED INDISCRIMINATELY LIKE A COMMON HEATHEN

 

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON HOW TO QUIT JACKING OFF OBSESSIVELY, CONTACT THESE FINE INSTITUTIONS:

https://www.facebook.com/CHRISTIANMOTHERSAGAINST/

CHRISTIAN MOTHERS AGAINST MASTURBATION

https://nofap.com/about/

LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE THE HULKSTER, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, DRINK YOUR MILK, AND QUIT CHOKING THAT CHICKEN!!

Coming to Perdido Key this Fall!

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I tossed the pamphlet back to Luther. "That fucking thing was done on some home computer. Poorly."

"Of course it is. The Commissar had his aide make it up most likely. It's the work of a sixth grader."

"For what possible reason?"

"Hot Karl found some documents and proposal online that showed that company wanting to put in a business on that exact same location for several years but they've always run into some weird roadblock. His first term the Commissar was talking about this company wanting to build there..

...so that got shot down in a minute." 

"This time the company has become more aggressive in its proposal...they suspect a snake in the woodpile...to put a business on the Key. They had plans to sign Hulk Hogan as their spokesman since he's a Florida guy but fucking Bubba's wife and that Gawker video washed those plans. Now they"re talking about signing Jesse Ventura."

"What the hell kind of business is it?"

I'd never seen Scoop smile like that. Actually it was quite hideous since he still looked

like he had been beat to shit by Mike Tyson at that Circle K by this unknown assailant.

"A Jet Ski school!"

"Holy shit!"

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HOT DOLPHIN FECES ON THE KEY

Florida has shut down all the bars due to the pandemic but that doesn't mean jackshit to the biggest group of alcoholics (and their enablers) in the entire Country. All you need in Florida is a refrigerator, a loaf of bread, a pack of Walmart bologna, and some mustard and your drinking hole is suddenly a restaurant and you can drink from dawn to deep dusk.

Sitting in a undisclosed dive bar up on Cervantes early this morning with news journalist Luther (Scoop) Heggs, drinking kerosene flavored Bloody Marys and snorting nitrous oxide poppers, I commented to Scoop on how the bar we were currently getting shithoused in was getting by with staying open.

Scoop lit up a Camel with shaking hands.. Luther had the curse of the journalist...which means he was a world class hardcore lush. At least a quart of vodka a day.

"The owner paid a crackhead to break into a Circle K that was being built and had him rip off one of those fucking hot dog roller machines."

I scoped out the bar. "Where the hell is it at?"

He pointed to a far corner with a shaking finger. "Next to the pin ball machine sitting on that old TV tray."

It looked like there maybe two or three burnt to a crisp hot dogs that from my vantage point looked like dried out turds.

"Looks inviting."

He reached into his pocket and laid a pocket recorder on the table. 

"I got an interview on the phone last night with the Commissar of Perdido Key. I wanted to ask him about how he felt about the new Pensacola mask ordinance and the fines that you can rack up if you refuse to wear one. Him being such a big Libertarian and man of the people and all that bullshit."

"I'd bet $100 that dickwhistle doesn't even know who the Libertarian candidate is." (By the way, it's Jo Jorgensen, a woman, so the Commish wouldn't go for that anyway)

Luther hit play.

A phone rang about a dozen times and then..."Commissar! Speak!"

"Mr. Commissar, Sir. It's Scoop Heggs." Luther sounded like he was really shitfaced when he made the call.

"What in the hell do you want?"

"Just calling to see if I could get a comment on the City Council's decision to make wearing protective masks (It sounded on the tape like he said mashes instead of mask - Fucking Rummy!) mandatory with fines possible and maybe Federal prison time." (Prison time! What the fuck was Scoop drinking last night?).

This monologue ended with an audible burp that sounded like it was muffled poorly into Luther's fist and a loud, un-muffled, rolling fart...into his pants!

"I don't give a hot dolphin piece of feces about those assholes on the Council and their ridiculous decisions. Here on the Key I make the decisions. And I've only authorized one kind of mask, and only then if needed. And no more questions from, you drunk heathen! You want an interview? Well, I'll give you one you won't forget!"

I could hear Scoop throwing up into what sounded like a trash can by the echo as the Commissar ranted on:

"I'm sure your liberal ass wouldn't know about poor Mark and Patricia McCloskey down in that toilet of a town, St. Louis. But that is my main concern now! Not some COVID-19 mask hoax perpetuated on the Flag waving American public!" 

"Those damn protesters attacked them! Attacked them at their very home and they defended their property by bearing arms. True warriors! True Patriots! I'm a Sailor! A Sailor, do you hear me? And I know a True Patriot when I see one." I could hear the Commissar choke up for a second before he caught his second wind.

 

"Until you called and interrupted me, I was putting together an international Jet Ski crew to ride in the KISS TRUMP'S TRAITOROUS ASS FLOTILLA on July 5th. I'm bringing in riders as far as Iowa. I intend on getting the word out."

"I've got a GoFundMe page for this poor couple and I intend to raise more than my own which is enormous. Way over 200K!"

I could hear Scoop snoring lightly over the Commissar's rant who was screaming so loud I thought he was going to come out of the tiny speaker.

"SCOOP! SCOOP! ARE YOU SLEEPING YOU SON OF A BITCH? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? SCOOP!!!!!"

MAHALO

Afsana