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THERE WAS A HUUUUUUUGE TURNOUT AT THE JULY 5, 2020 TRUMP BOAT PARADE IN ORANGE BEACH
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"So I guess you packing a grip and heading to Los Angeles was just the vodka and mescaline talking?" I was to talking to ace reporter, Luther "Scoop" Heggs, who the last time I had spoken to was convinced that certain local nefarious public officials wanted to string him up like Jeffrey Epstein, courtesy of Escambia County, and was splitting town.
"Rack it up to good old delirium tremens, my good friend."
Scoop was still keeping a low profile. We were parked way in the back of the parking lot at Winn-Dixie smoking an enormous bowl of Afghan Hash plant. If anyone even looked our way, there was no way in hell they could see who we were.
"Did you hear that Hot Karl got his ass kicked at the Klan boat rally trying to sell his fucking posters? That was a hell of an idea!"
Scoop was busy coughing out a lung. "Air," he gasped, as he rolled down a window and hawked out a goober. He finally caught his breath as I popped open two cans of Olde English 800 and handed him one.
"Hear about it? I saw it! I went there undercover as a cop to catch a more in depth report on it. Not the usual pablum the local news agency spews out."
"So you were posed as a cop and you didn't stop those MAGA idiots from kicking Hot Karl's ass? They would have backed off, you dumb twat. They're all scared of authority."
"I didn't want to break cover and they'd hired their own security force for the event...
...and this weird freak was walking around like Jim Jones, barking orders in Jonestown and they were getting ready to serve refreshments! He had this freaky Trump mask on and he seemed to be in charge."
"He was ripped to the tits probably on Adderall..they were handing that shit out like candy...and Diet Cokes and Natty Light. He kept screaming out it was time for the raffle and everybody just followed him like lemmings going over the cliff and I just followed along."
"What the fuck did they raffle?"
"Really weird shit! REAL FUCKING weird!"
"A copy of Ivanka's new book."
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"Melania donated one of her classic favorite books from her personal library from when she worked in Europe."
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"The Commissar of Perdido Key donated four pieces of some of the arts and crafts work he does weekly at the local PK art studio."
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"After the raffle, the ambulance came and took Hot Karl off, and then they all jumped in their boats and just started driving around in circles, I guess that was the whole purpose of the goddamn thing. So I wandered around and checked out the souvenir booths...and Goat, you wouldn't believe the crap they were selling!
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"What the hell do you mean? They had a raffle and just let Hot Karl lay there all beat to shit?"
"A couple of their security forces tossed him under a dock to keep him out of the sun."
"You better hope as sure as there's shit in a pelican that Hot Karl doesn't ever find out you were there and didn't do jackshit. I just talked to him and he definitely didn't know you were there!"
"I think he'll be cool with it. Hey, Goat! I forgot to tell you. I just got an advance copy of this book and I'm going to give it to the Commissar and have him give me his review and take of the book. What do you think?"
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"Another stellar idea, Luther."
MAHALO
satura
💩LATE BREAKING NEWS: The winner of the hot dog eating contest at the Trump Boat Rally, Jimmy Ray "Dingleberry" Shotley has been disqualified for the use of illegal equipment that he bragged about on his local Neo-Nazi Facebook page.
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