IRON MIKE TYSON VS ROY JONES, JR IN PENSACOLA? *UPDATED 7/25/2020*

***UPDATED BREAKING NEWS ON THE TYSON VS JONES FIGHT: A LUTHER HEGGS EXCLUSIVE!*** July 25, 2020

Word on the street is the Tyson-Jones fight which was on course to land in Pensacola is off and will still be held in Carson, California. 

There are three main reasons why the fight may not be held in Pensacola - The Cradle of Naval Aviation:

#1

This reporter has learned that an anonymous local source has informed the Tyson camp that Boozehound Productions (A Matt Gaetz Promotion) has a nefarious plan in place to dose Tyson with a mickey prior to the fight. News which naturally infuriated the Champ and has pretty much guaranteed a world class ass beating for Roy Jones.

 

#2

After Iron Mike learned of Donald Trump and Putin being involved in the promotion he immediately called it off just for the fact that Trump may/or may not have put the magic mushroom to Tyson's ex-wife:

1988 was a year full of interesting relationships for Mike Tyson. Outside of his professional relationship with Donald Trump, he had married actress Robin Givens earlier in the year after less than a year of dating. To say that the couple had a volatile relationship would be putting it mildly. Tyson seemed to be a very paranoid person, especially when it came to his wife, and he reportedly accused many people of being involved with her during their one-year marriage. One of those people was the future president of the United States.

In a 2005 book written by former New York Times reporter Tim O’Brien, “TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald,” Donald Trump is quoted as saying that the relationship between himself and Mike Tyson got a little tense when the champ accused him of sleeping with Robin Givens (h/t New York Post).

“He said, ‘Could I ask you, Are your fucking my wife?’ Now, if I froze, I’m dead . . . You would have zero chance. Here’s the heavyweight champion of the world, and he’s a solid piece of fucking armor.” - Donald J. Trump

Tim O’ Brien’s “TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald” - Sportscasting.Com

The philanderers lunch at the supposed scene of the crime, Trump's boat.

#3

The purse bids are in and Tyson commented "Why should I fly all the way to a Corona Virus infected swampland to beat the shit out of Roy Jones when I can do it right here and make the same amount of jack?"

I will continue to post updates on this breaking story.

- Luther Heggs

Independent News

7/25/2020

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Exclusive BREAKING NEWS By Luther Heggs- Independent News

DATE: 7/24/2020

It was announced yesterday that Roy Jones, Jr. of right here in Pensacola will be taking on Iron Mike Tyson in Carson, California on September 12th. The fight will be available on PPV and streaming on Triller. 

First let's cut through the pure bullshit of this "fight"! Which is being billed as a eight round exhibition.

This is the current condition of Mike Tyson who appears that he could you hit you so hard that your liver would explode like a Perdido Key beach mouse that you squished when you were doing acid.

*Disclaimer: That may or may not have happened since I thought I was stomping a huge orange Gila monster and the whole mess could have been a huge hallucination anyway that I blame on that asshole, Goatlips, who I suspect dosed me at that party that Hot Karl threw!*

RJJ appearing at some MMA shit over in Pensacola beach. He could be mistaken for James "Light Out" Toney when Toney was fighting in the heavyweight divison.

⮝

Pictured in his last fight where Roy of Florida won the coveted World Boxing Union (German Version)Cruiserweight title (WTF?) against Scott Sigmon,...

...who hails from Bedford, Virginia and the fight was held in Pensacola so how Germany tied into the fiasco was anybody's guess. By the time that fight rolled around RJJ had actually morphed into...

...James Toney.

But hold the hell on sports fans! Here's a little tidbit the casual fan doesn't know:

ROY JONES, JR IS A RUSSIAN CITIZEN!

It’s official: Roy Jones Jr is a Russian citizen!

The four-division champion widely regarded as one of the finest prizefighters of his generation was presented his Russian passport in a ceremony on Tuesday at the Federal Migration Service’s offices in Moscow.

“I am Russian,” Jones, 46, said in Russian.

Vladimir Putin had signed a decree to grant citizenship to Jones in September after the boxer announced his intent to apply during an August meeting with the Russian president in Crimea, the territory annexed by Russia last year. Putin granted the request on the grounds that Jones “intends to spend a significant part of his life working in Russia” according to the Kremlin’s official website.

Three of Jones’ past nine fights have taken place on Russian soil. Though nearly a decade removed from competitive relevance, Jones’ career has taken on something of a ‘world tour’ feel in recent years: showcase bouts against hopelessly overmatched opponents in such far-flung locales as Poland, Latvia and North Carolina, often punctuated with in-ring musical performances by the fighter himself.

“Thank you, Vladimir Putin. I’m really glad to have become a Russian citizen. Russia’s such a welcoming country, and many people in the world want to become her citizens,” Jones said according to the agency’s website. “This is one of the happiest days of my life.”

Following Jones’ meeting with Putin in Crimea, Ukraine placed the fighter on a blacklist of “traitors”, “separatists” and “terrorists”.

- THE GUARDIAN

But after today's late breaking news by Trump, who has finally figured out that Florida is the fucking corona virus capital...

...of the good old U.S. of A. and doesn't want to risk his own ass going to Jacksonville, pulled the GOP convention out of the state.  This reporter has been given information by an source who wishes to remain anonymous that this "fight" has taken on a political aspect.

Donald Trump, although he's slinking away from Florida like a whipped syphilitic mule, still wants to make a strong statement in the State, and this anonymous source has learned that Trump has people involved in trying to move the fight to Pensacola, Florida.

Almost immediately after this fight was announced, Bill Barr, 

the Head Honcho of the Trump Gestapo...

...and his second in Command, Chad Wolf...

Actually SS Leader Reinhard Heydrich

  

Here's Chad Wolf

...placed a call to the Commissar of Perdido Key and interrupted him while he was in the middle of his fireside chat with the good people of Escambia County. The topic being the cost of fireworks on the Fourth of July...

...(What the hell's the date? Oh Christ! Forget it!)and Big Bill didn't give a shit!

"You have failed in your meager assignment to keep that fuckwit Roger Stone under control...

...and in doing so you have brought great shame upon the MAGA community and THE DONALD himself. Luckily, for you there will be no further repercussions because we have assigned a top notch man to take over operations in NW Florida. First thing in order is we are bringing the Roy Jones - Mike Tyson fight to Pensacola in September."

"But Mr. Barr the Bayfront Center in Pensacola can't possibly hold the amount of people who would come to...."

"Silence! Not another word from your cakehole unless spoken to! If you haven't been following the national political news, the GOP convention is not going to be in Jacksonville because your goddamn state is burning down with COVID-19. The fight will be held in some small venue with few attendees. It's going to be on PPV and Online. It could held in Kimbo Slices'..

RIP

...backyard or in a barn in  goddamn Iowa and no one would give a shit. So let me spell it out for you in the way I may speak to a retarded child..

...Putin loves Roy Jones. THE DONALD loves Putin. THE DONALD owes Putin. So Jones will win the fight in Pensacola...knocking Tyson out...thrilling the MAGA Movement and most importantly Putin, who could toss his weight towards us in November again. And we have the added bonus of sending the Federal Police into Pensacola and honing their baton skills on some of those fucking weird radical groups down there in that mosquito pit."

 

"Mr. Barr, I'll do anything! Anything to help out on this mission!"

"That's good little soldier. I knew you would jump back up on the horse. I may have a mission for you but I would consider it very, very dangerous."

"Anything, Sir, but I'm a sail.."

"Someone's going to have to pull a Peter Lorre and somehow get by his security and slip Mike Tyson a mickey before the fight and I think you know who that is. You can get back to your fucking firecrackers now."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

AFTER SIGNING THE CONTRACT TO BE THE REFEREE OF THE BOUT WITH THE PROMOTER OF BOOZEHOUND PRODUCTIONS.

THE UNDERCARD FEATURES:
*MIDGET WRESTLING*
*LADY WRESTLING*
*HILLBILLY STYLE MMA*
*DWARF TOSSING
&
*A SPECIAL FEATURE*

A PERSONAL APPEARANCE BY KOOL-AID KRISTI, THE DONALD'S FAVORITE PLUS-SIZE MAGA GIRL. KRISTI WILL BE PERFORMING HER FAMOUS HOBOKEN SQUAT COBBLER.

THE BOUT WILL BE HELD AT THE HISTORIC AMERICAN LEGION IN PENSACOLA ON BARRANCAS AVENUE. LONG A HOME FOR ELITE PRO WRESTLING AND WEEKLY SWING DANCES, IT HAS BEEN CLOSED DUE TO A SHOOTING AT THE LAST EVEN HELD THERE. DUE TO COVID-19 THERE WILL BE NO TICKETS SOLD TO THE PUBLIC.

ЭТО ИТОГО БУЛЬШИТ - Luther Heggs

BREAKING NEWS: ROGER STONE IS SLATED TO BE THE GRAND MARSHALL OF THE OBA LABOR DAY TRUMP PARADE

"I'm gonna make those dirty bastards pay for jumping me at that last Trump Flotilla! Especially that fat son of a bitch wearing the "Get cornholed by Jesus shirt! Sooner or later. It's gonna be payback time."

- Hot Karl Zimmler

Hot Karl Zimmler

The local MAGA security force Captain who is suspected in the total asskickings of Hot Karl Zimmler and Luther "Scoop" Heggs.

"He's gonna wish he had never fucked with the likes of me and Hot Karl," mumbled Luther "Scoop" Heggs, who was already so shitfaced he could hardly sit up in his beach chair, "Fucking Bible thumper."

"He didn't thump your ass with a Bible, Scoop. If I recall he thumped it with Mary Trump's book."

Hot Karl, Scoop, and myself were sitting way out on Johnson Beach so no tourist could spy us drinking gin & tonics and smoking big chunks of Black Hash in a tobacco pipe. Karl looked pretty much like he always did. Luther though, still looked like a gorilla had jumped out of a dumpster and beat the shit out of him!

Local artist rendition of Luther before getting the crap pounded out of him.

 

And after (simulated).

"What scheme have you two asswipes got cooking now?"

Luther suddenly bolted to his feet and made a mad dash to the sand dunes.

"We're going to raise some hell for that Trump Boat parade on Labor Day and get some payback on these motherfuckers." I could hardly hear him over the sounds of Luther puking up his gin & tonics and whatever combination of booze and narcotics he had sucked down last night. It sounded like he was barfing up his toenails.

"Wait a second? Those Lysol sniffers are holding another one of the damn things? With Florida being one of the hardest hit states for the Corona virus?"

"Hell yes! Half the country has shit for brains and in Florida about three-quarters. The dumb fucks are sending their kids back to school in a few weeks if you need an example. But we're planning on something bigly as the fascist who has his gigantic ass parked in the White House likes to say. Something that will hit the national news, go fucking viral, Goat!"

Luther staggered back from the dunes and sat down in his chair and fired up a heater and poured a glass of hair of the dog. He smelled like a vomit factory!

Karl dug around in Luther's backpack and pulled out Scoop's mini-recorder and handed it to me. "You better wipe that fucking tape recorder down with Everclear before I touch it."

Karl poured some gin over the recorder and wiped it down with his grimy t-shirt. He hit play and handed it to me. I held it between two fingers like it was packed with C-4.

"I was hearing rumors about something big happening at this Trump Parade and I still have the taps running so I listened into a conversation with the Commissar and some higher up in the Land of the Great and Powerful Trump."

"Sound intriguing." The heat and the sight and smell of Scoop were making me queasy so I took the recorder and walked down to the surf.

🕭🕭🕭🕭 Phone ringing. "Sir, Commissar speaking, Sir!"

"My first question, Mr. Potato Head, is what the hell are you doing down there in the mosquito infested hellhole hovel that you call home? Working on your jug blowing?"

"Sir, I was preparing my daily briefing to my constituents. I have a very large following who depend upon my leadership."

"I saw it already. When are you going to stop this whiny "I'm a Libertarian" shit? Just admit you follow the marching orders of DeSantis who gets his orders from his White House Holiness. DeSantis, who by the way, better quit acting like a retard in front of the press if he knows what's good for him...

...and you need to quit putting out this drivel that no one believes anyway. Who the fuck do you think you are, Bill Nye - The Science Guy? Get your shit together! And quit quoting Fox News!"

"Sir, what seems to be the problem, Sir?"

"Quit calling me Sir. I'm not in the goddamn Navy. Call me Mr. Barr... 

...and the reason I'm calling is you were given one task and one task only and it appears you're shitting the bed on that one simple task."

"Do you mean the left turn lane controversy at the Galvez Boat ramp?" 

"What? Jesus Christ on roller skates! And I thought DeSantis was challenged. No, dumbass! Stone! You were so supposed to keep him secluded and under wraps. He's running around Perdido Key like he's Mick Jagger...who I think should be deported. Him and that goddamn Tom Petty and Neil Young. I'm getting all sorts of fucking reports about that freak parading around down there like he's the lovechild of Liberace and J. Edgar Hoover."

"I'll admit, Mr. Barr, he can be quite the rascal but I assure you everything here is shipshape! My adjutant has everything squared away."

"No, not everything is shipshape, Mr. Roberts! What about that dipshit giving that interview? That went over like a wet bean and beer shart in church!"

"On me, totally, Mr. B. I didn...."

"What in the name of hell did you call me, you backwoods turd!" He shrieked!

"I meant Mr. Barr, Sir! And Roger somehow got his hands on a phone and gave that interview without my knowledge. His personal phone was confiscated before they dropped him off here."

You could hear Barr whispering and muttering to someone in the background...the word "loser" was heavily peppered throughout the conversation.

"Mr. Barr?"

"Now you listen to me and I don't want to hear another word out of your cock holster. The Man himself wants the The Man of La Mancha to be the Grand Marshall of the Labor Day Trump Parade and it's your job to keep his scrawny naked ass under wraps until then. Do not, I repeat, do not fuck this up! Expect a package from Trump's brain dead...

...daughter for the raffle in two days. The Prez is going to "autograph" it himself and wants to Stone to present it!"

CLICK👌

"And your master plan being what?" I was sweaty, hot, stoned,and drunk and I was craving a air conditioned bar with a kindly waitress sporting big jugs and cold draft beers, so I started packing up. A little of Karl and Luther can go a long way, especially on a hot day. The combination was like the smell of a dumpster behind a strip club!

Karl looked over at Luther who was passed out cold. His head hanging all the way back and a string of thick drool ran from his mouth to the sand. He was drunk as two longshoreman and it was barely noon.

"I've got tracers set up with all major delivery services. I'll know when that package gets in the area. I'm going to steal that dildo and hold it fucking hostage. Those MAGAs want it back, they're gonna pay big dineros. I'm going to get all the major press involved."

"And when you get out of of Leavenworth you"ll have an asshole as big as a silver dollar unless they pull an Epstein on you."

Дерьмо в твоей шляпе SWG сатира

BREAKING NEWS: IS ROGER STONE ON PERDIDO KEY?

"The Commissar of Perdido Key is restless. He has a weird gerbil up the ass feeling...

...that things just aren't going his way."

Hot Karl Zimmler and I were sitting in his rattletrap van that was parked in a beach access smoking some Cambodian Red Dragon...

...and eyeballing some nubile young lasses wearing string Confederate flag bikinis who were oiling up in the parking lot and taunting a couple of geriatrics asking them "Do you want to grab my pussy?" & "Only Donald gets to touch this sweet ass!"

"Classy little broads aren't they? Anyway, you were talking about the Commissar getting a little jumpy about the current political situation."

"When I did that job for Scoop I got a little intrigued so I've been keeping an eye out on his Internet ramblings."

"Good job by the way on that Hulk Hogan anti-jerking off spa gig that Luther set you up with. So how did it go with your date with Flipper?"

"Awesome! She only threw up twice!"

"She's a trooper. So what about the Commissar?"

"For starters, his COVID-19 and wearing of masks conspiracy monkeyshit is coming back to haunt his ass!"

"Then Walmart, the church of the MAGA, has defied all Republican orders and has placed mandatory mask wearing rules in all of its stores, nationwide."

The Commissar is also a big fan of  Dollar General, as we all know due to the recent uproar of the new Dollar General shoved down the throats of the residents of Gulf Beach Highway.

"Though he claims to be a Libertarian which is bullshit...he's actually got the Trump ultra-violet light shoved way up his ass...and now that the Republican party is about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl he doesn't know which way to turn. And the Florida press has been brutal! Shitting all over his mentor, DeSantis."

And insulting his base!

"So he decided to start kissing some ass early because there's going to be a regime change after November. So he shit on the GOP party, and tried to smooth the waters with the Pensacola News Journal after he practically compared them to The Daily Worker."

 

"But I'm saving the best for last! Take a look at this, bitch." He handed me an envelope with a photo in it.

I was so stunned my full beer slipped out of my hand, broke open, and soaked in with the rest of the two feet of garbage on the van floor. 

"Holy fuck! Is that who I think it is?"

"Sure as shit looks like him. The Commissar felt so badly when the press shit all over him and Trump about the pardon that he invited him to Perdido Key to relax and unwind as long as he kept it on the down low and maintained a low profile."

"But that hasn't worked out too well."

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Thanks to Hot Karl for his continuing quest to find the truth!