IRON MIKE TYSON VS ROY JONES, JR IN PENSACOLA? *UPDATED 7/25/2020*

***UPDATED BREAKING NEWS ON THE TYSON VS JONES FIGHT: A LUTHER HEGGS EXCLUSIVE!*** July 25, 2020

Word on the street is the Tyson-Jones fight which was on course to land in Pensacola is off and will still be held in Carson, California. 

There are three main reasons why the fight may not be held in Pensacola - The Cradle of Naval Aviation:

#1

This reporter has learned that an anonymous local source has informed the Tyson camp that Boozehound Productions (A Matt Gaetz Promotion) has a nefarious plan in place to dose Tyson with a mickey prior to the fight. News which naturally infuriated the Champ and has pretty much guaranteed a world class ass beating for Roy Jones.

 

#2

After Iron Mike learned of Donald Trump and Putin being involved in the promotion he immediately called it off just for the fact that Trump may/or may not have put the magic mushroom to Tyson's ex-wife:

1988 was a year full of interesting relationships for Mike Tyson. Outside of his professional relationship with Donald Trump, he had married actress Robin Givens earlier in the year after less than a year of dating. To say that the couple had a volatile relationship would be putting it mildly. Tyson seemed to be a very paranoid person, especially when it came to his wife, and he reportedly accused many people of being involved with her during their one-year marriage. One of those people was the future president of the United States.

In a 2005 book written by former New York Times reporter Tim O’Brien, “TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald,” Donald Trump is quoted as saying that the relationship between himself and Mike Tyson got a little tense when the champ accused him of sleeping with Robin Givens (h/t New York Post).

“He said, ‘Could I ask you, Are your fucking my wife?’ Now, if I froze, I’m dead . . . You would have zero chance. Here’s the heavyweight champion of the world, and he’s a solid piece of fucking armor.” - Donald J. Trump

Tim O’ Brien’s “TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald” - Sportscasting.Com

The philanderers lunch at the supposed scene of the crime, Trump's boat.

#3

The purse bids are in and Tyson commented "Why should I fly all the way to a Corona Virus infected swampland to beat the shit out of Roy Jones when I can do it right here and make the same amount of jack?"

I will continue to post updates on this breaking story.

- Luther Heggs

Independent News

7/25/2020

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Exclusive BREAKING NEWS By Luther Heggs- Independent News

DATE: 7/24/2020

It was announced yesterday that Roy Jones, Jr. of right here in Pensacola will be taking on Iron Mike Tyson in Carson, California on September 12th. The fight will be available on PPV and streaming on Triller. 

First let's cut through the pure bullshit of this "fight"! Which is being billed as a eight round exhibition.

This is the current condition of Mike Tyson who appears that he could you hit you so hard that your liver would explode like a Perdido Key beach mouse that you squished when you were doing acid.

*Disclaimer: That may or may not have happened since I thought I was stomping a huge orange Gila monster and the whole mess could have been a huge hallucination anyway that I blame on that asshole, Goatlips, who I suspect dosed me at that party that Hot Karl threw!*

RJJ appearing at some MMA shit over in Pensacola beach. He could be mistaken for James "Light Out" Toney when Toney was fighting in the heavyweight divison.

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Pictured in his last fight where Roy of Florida won the coveted World Boxing Union (German Version)Cruiserweight title (WTF?) against Scott Sigmon,...

...who hails from Bedford, Virginia and the fight was held in Pensacola so how Germany tied into the fiasco was anybody's guess. By the time that fight rolled around RJJ had actually morphed into...

...James Toney.

But hold the hell on sports fans! Here's a little tidbit the casual fan doesn't know:

ROY JONES, JR IS A RUSSIAN CITIZEN!

It’s official: Roy Jones Jr is a Russian citizen!

The four-division champion widely regarded as one of the finest prizefighters of his generation was presented his Russian passport in a ceremony on Tuesday at the Federal Migration Service’s offices in Moscow.

“I am Russian,” Jones, 46, said in Russian.

Vladimir Putin had signed a decree to grant citizenship to Jones in September after the boxer announced his intent to apply during an August meeting with the Russian president in Crimea, the territory annexed by Russia last year. Putin granted the request on the grounds that Jones “intends to spend a significant part of his life working in Russia” according to the Kremlin’s official website.

Three of Jones’ past nine fights have taken place on Russian soil. Though nearly a decade removed from competitive relevance, Jones’ career has taken on something of a ‘world tour’ feel in recent years: showcase bouts against hopelessly overmatched opponents in such far-flung locales as Poland, Latvia and North Carolina, often punctuated with in-ring musical performances by the fighter himself.

“Thank you, Vladimir Putin. I’m really glad to have become a Russian citizen. Russia’s such a welcoming country, and many people in the world want to become her citizens,” Jones said according to the agency’s website. “This is one of the happiest days of my life.”

Following Jones’ meeting with Putin in Crimea, Ukraine placed the fighter on a blacklist of “traitors”, “separatists” and “terrorists”.

- THE GUARDIAN

But after today's late breaking news by Trump, who has finally figured out that Florida is the fucking corona virus capital...

...of the good old U.S. of A. and doesn't want to risk his own ass going to Jacksonville, pulled the GOP convention out of the state.  This reporter has been given information by an source who wishes to remain anonymous that this "fight" has taken on a political aspect.

Donald Trump, although he's slinking away from Florida like a whipped syphilitic mule, still wants to make a strong statement in the State, and this anonymous source has learned that Trump has people involved in trying to move the fight to Pensacola, Florida.

Almost immediately after this fight was announced, Bill Barr, 

the Head Honcho of the Trump Gestapo...

...and his second in Command, Chad Wolf...

Actually SS Leader Reinhard Heydrich

  

Here's Chad Wolf

...placed a call to the Commissar of Perdido Key and interrupted him while he was in the middle of his fireside chat with the good people of Escambia County. The topic being the cost of fireworks on the Fourth of July...

...(What the hell's the date? Oh Christ! Forget it!)and Big Bill didn't give a shit!

"You have failed in your meager assignment to keep that fuckwit Roger Stone under control...

...and in doing so you have brought great shame upon the MAGA community and THE DONALD himself. Luckily, for you there will be no further repercussions because we have assigned a top notch man to take over operations in NW Florida. First thing in order is we are bringing the Roy Jones - Mike Tyson fight to Pensacola in September."

"But Mr. Barr the Bayfront Center in Pensacola can't possibly hold the amount of people who would come to...."

"Silence! Not another word from your cakehole unless spoken to! If you haven't been following the national political news, the GOP convention is not going to be in Jacksonville because your goddamn state is burning down with COVID-19. The fight will be held in some small venue with few attendees. It's going to be on PPV and Online. It could held in Kimbo Slices'..

RIP

...backyard or in a barn in  goddamn Iowa and no one would give a shit. So let me spell it out for you in the way I may speak to a retarded child..

...Putin loves Roy Jones. THE DONALD loves Putin. THE DONALD owes Putin. So Jones will win the fight in Pensacola...knocking Tyson out...thrilling the MAGA Movement and most importantly Putin, who could toss his weight towards us in November again. And we have the added bonus of sending the Federal Police into Pensacola and honing their baton skills on some of those fucking weird radical groups down there in that mosquito pit."

 

"Mr. Barr, I'll do anything! Anything to help out on this mission!"

"That's good little soldier. I knew you would jump back up on the horse. I may have a mission for you but I would consider it very, very dangerous."

"Anything, Sir, but I'm a sail.."

"Someone's going to have to pull a Peter Lorre and somehow get by his security and slip Mike Tyson a mickey before the fight and I think you know who that is. You can get back to your fucking firecrackers now."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

AFTER SIGNING THE CONTRACT TO BE THE REFEREE OF THE BOUT WITH THE PROMOTER OF BOOZEHOUND PRODUCTIONS.

THE UNDERCARD FEATURES:
*MIDGET WRESTLING*
*LADY WRESTLING*
*HILLBILLY STYLE MMA*
*DWARF TOSSING
&
*A SPECIAL FEATURE*

A PERSONAL APPEARANCE BY KOOL-AID KRISTI, THE DONALD'S FAVORITE PLUS-SIZE MAGA GIRL. KRISTI WILL BE PERFORMING HER FAMOUS HOBOKEN SQUAT COBBLER.

THE BOUT WILL BE HELD AT THE HISTORIC AMERICAN LEGION IN PENSACOLA ON BARRANCAS AVENUE. LONG A HOME FOR ELITE PRO WRESTLING AND WEEKLY SWING DANCES, IT HAS BEEN CLOSED DUE TO A SHOOTING AT THE LAST EVEN HELD THERE. DUE TO COVID-19 THERE WILL BE NO TICKETS SOLD TO THE PUBLIC.

ЭТО ИТОГО БУЛЬШИТ - Luther Heggs

CHAOS ON PERDIDO KEY

Pensacola's Grim Reaper was almost attacked by this pear shaped MAGA loser yesterday in Jacksonville, which is the location for the great GOP DEATH CULT convention in August. It was reported that fat boy now has a GoFundMe page for the mental anguish he experienced while confronting what he thought was an actual visitor from the afterlife who was also spouting anti-Trump rhetoric. #FloridaMoron

People from other states that are neck and neck with Florida in the Great COVID-19 Spiking Rate Race, started descending upon Perdido Key and Pensacola like locusts fueled on amphetamines on Friday. Lured by the enticing white sandy beaches, aqua blue water, blackout drinking, and the thought of ogling big breasted coeds as they frolic in the waves in their red, white, and blue MAGA bikinis....like this:     

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When most likely it's going to be this:

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Texas small penis compensation 4-wheelers  in particular are quite prevalent. Texas, of all fucking places. The governor there has recently signed in an order to make the wearing of masks there mandatory. 

Even when you're out the prairie guarding the flock, all lonely, you've drank too many Lone Stars, you're still moping about that whore in Abilene that shit on you two years ago, and you wind up screwing a sheep.

 I know. It happens to the best of us. But in Texas you still have to wear a mask. Especially if it's a Brokeback Mountain kind of situation. Be safe! Better don a rubber, too!

But there's no reason to piss and moan any longer. You'd have to be retarded to think at this stage of the game that anyone in the government from Putin's fluffer* all the way down to the poor son of a bitch that has to clean the local courthouse crappers gives two shits about anyone dying in this global dumpster fire. Insanely, the pandemic and the wearing of masks has become just a total political issue in a vain attempt to re-elect the Nation's Comrade.

  

The Commissar of Perido Key, suddenly reeling from the audacity of the morally weak people of his district getting sick and possibly dying, has jumped on the Trump train with the idiotic suggestion that the only reason we have a world wide pandemic is because more people are getting tested....and dying!! 

Weak bastards!

So the great and powerful Oz must speak out to warn his "flock."

Worry no more! The Commissar has assured us that it's good for you to test positive for a potentially fatal disease. It's good for the community! It's good for the herd! So quit your fucking bitching. Live with the virus. The White House message of the day of the day should inspire you. 'WE NEED TO LIVE WITH IT!"

But the Commissar had bigger fish to fry. There was chaos a brewing on the Key

An anonymous source reported early this morning that the Commissar was awoken in his lair on River Road by a phone call from a employee of Circle-K...a gas station that not only sells fuel but trucker's speed, cheap beer, cigarettes, lotto tickets, beach shit for the dolts, condoms of all kinds, and has bathrooms filthier than a North Korean prison...who reported that he'd been kicked in the nuts and zip tied to a gas pump while 4 men wearing Bernie Sander's hats and t-shirts put this sign up on this the front of the building.

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He immediately placed a call to the Head Constable of Escambia County. A fancy boy who favored Noriega like uniforms...

...and who had his Andy Warhol 15 minutes of fame when a mentally challenged group of self styled Ninjas whacked a former strip club owner and used car salesman, along with his wife. Went off like a charm except they took the wrong safe and everybody dropped a dime on each other and wound up in either in Raiford or death row blowing gangbangers for smokes. For some reason this case drew national attention even though it's not uncommon to get blown away in Pensacola on any given day. 

Years ago, I met the Constable at Gallery Night. I was buzzing on some Peyote and all the box wine you could drink that was provided by the galleries. He was wearing a Morty Seinfeld raincoat and was carrying a goddamn umbrella! He jammed an election button in my hand...pin first...as he walked among his minions. Not exactly Buford Pusser. 

 *Simulated phone call*

Phone ringing: 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔

There's a fumbling of the phone followed by a coughing jag that sound like the Constable is gagging up a hairball.

"Hello, and this better be fucking good, jughead!"

"Constable! Commissar! There's chaos on the Key!"

"Oh, Christ! Do I have to drive all the way over there to wipe your ass? Did you run over another beach mouse."

"Sir, no, Sir! Someone put up a vulgar sign totally misrepresenting our Leader and it will most likely require a thorough and intense investigation. Possibly call the FBI."

"I already told you there won't be any tickets given to any tourists for parking and there will be practically zero law enforcement presence. So you got what you want. Now get your ass out of bed, got tear down the sign, and post one of those stupid Facebook postings saying it was terrorists or tyrants or whatever big word you can find in the dictionary. I have to give a big presentation on drug problems in Pensacola to the all the heads of the school districts today and how we're dealing with it. So don't call me back. I don't give a crap if your head's on fire!"

"Sir, yes,"...phone clicks.

A tear!

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HAPPY 4TH!!

Mahalo

 *A fluffer is a person employed to keep a porn performer's penis erect on the set. After setting up the desired angle, the director asks the actors to hold position and calls for the fluffer to "fluff" the actors for the shot.

PROTECTIVE MASKS, THREE ICU BEDS, AND THE DEATH OF A PERDIDO KEY BEACH MOUSE #FloridaMan

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JULY 2, 2020

Cruising down Sorrento Road this morning, toking on a number of Viet Cong Tiger Fuck and jamming to some Foo Fighters on the old CD player, I was winding the old girl up on a weirdly quiet stretch of road and heading for some caffeine at Mojo's to help kill the crippling hangover I had as a result of boozing with "Ace" reporter Luther Heggs all day yesterday.

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket.

"Shit!" Was the only thing I could think of when I saw who was calling. The caller was the last person that I wanted to talk to right now.

"What's up, Scoop?" I sighed as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

"Goat! I gotta get on the next train out of Dodge." 

"You been boozing and watching John Wayne movies again, Luther?" I knew that he had been boozing - that's like a 99.5% guarantee. No one would cover that bet in Vegas.

"The Commissar of Perdido Key totally lost his shit yesterday after the PNJ reported that there were only 3 ICU beds left in the area. He tore the rest of the BOCC a new asshole when they tried to contradict him. I guess a couple of County Commissioners were actually weeping in those big leather chairs."

I pulled into a parking spot in front of Mojo's. 

"So fucking what. Everybody with an IQ about 70 in this area knows that they're nothing but five gutless geeks who are slaves to the tourism industry but could give two hot shits about the local community. And don't forget, get paid 80 large a year to do it. Is that what you called me about?"

"Ghislaine Maxwell got arrested this morning!"

"What the hell are babbling about, you old lush?"

"Ghislaine Maxwell is Jeffrey Epstein's girlfriend."

"I know that, dickweed! And what in the hell does that have to do with you, or me for that matter?"

"The Commissar was really pissed about that article that Jim Little wrote. The Commissar said that it was "journalistic malpractice" and that reporters are "creating hysteria."

"Luther! Get a hold of yourself. You sound fucking hysterical. Smoke a joint, drink a beer, and pop a 'Lude. You'll feel better when you wake up. I think you may have a slight case of the DTs."

"Goat! You don't understand. The Commissar is royally pissed at all reporters. He wants our asses tarred and feathered and road out on a rail!"

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"And he has a Ron Jeremy (also recently arrested) sized  hard on for me ever since that time I reported that he got all jacked up the night he won the election on Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars and a neighbor said that he might have run over a Perdido Key beach mouse." 

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"Scoop, I don't know what or how this all ties together but I think you might have ingested a few too many chemicals in the last couple days. You sound paranoid as a son of a bitch. Get some sleep, Luther."

"I'm splitting, man. I''m packing a grip and heading for L. A. The Commissar is boiling hot pissed at all reporters. With my record they could have me picked up on a technicality and I'll be swinging like Jeffrey Epstein by morning in Escambia County Jail."

MAHALO

kathang-isip