I was thirsting for a cold brew or two - a little hair of the dog - and since there were supposed to be social distancing guidelines in place, I popped into the island's only Sports Bar.
It was like walking into Gilley's Bar of Urban Cowboy fame - the night that Bud won the mechanical bull riding contest - and maybe I had been out here on the Key too long or the hit of mescaline I had taken hours prior was starting to hit but it suddenly dawned on me. Could Trump and DeSantis be planning a massive extermination of some of it's "unsavory and disposable" portions of Florida's population - making the state even more desirable for tourism?
Whew! That Mescal can make you paranoid!
It was hot as a Thai whorehouse and smelled liked the Devil's nut sack but the cottonmouth from the hangover and the mescaline prevented me from fleeing the joint. But shit, it was as packed as a cattle auction yard. And I needed strong spirits!
Finding the only seat at the bar, I parked my tripping ass to a mumbling drunk who kept mumbling "Dollar General, Fucking Dollar General, Gonna fuck up my neighborhood that damn Dollar General..." Over and over.
I had already hit a shot of Jack and was draining my beer in about four thirsty gulps. I was trying to flag down the barkeep for another round before I took my leave when the drunk looked over at me like he was shocked somebody had been sitting next to him. He sat back so fast that his drunk ass almost toppled off his stool.
He leered at me drunkenly through the slits in his bloody eyes, "How would you like to have a public shithouse like a Dollar General built in your neighborhood? Huh? Huh? My goddamn house cost me 250 grand! You got a house that costs that much? Dickweed!"
My congenial bar friend suddenly shot a geyser of vomit over the side of the bar...just missing the bartender who was bringing my encore round...and slowly slid down the side of the bar until he hit the floor.
"Jesus Horatio Christ! I should have cut that dumb son of a bitch off hours ago."
I was starting to see these green Corona viruses floating like orbs all around the bar so I pounded the shot and practically shotgunned the beer as I watched the bartender who was frantically trying to clean up John Barleycorn's mess without puking herself.
I stood up to leave. "What was all that Dollar General crap he was babbling about."
She put her mop aside and took a deep breath. "He owns a house on Gulf Beach Highway in a nice neighborhood and some palms got greased and lo and behold, all those people are going to have a Dollar General and all the shit they attract square in their nice neighborhood."
"That's fucked up," was all I could manage to mumble out. I obviously had a dosage problem with the micro dot I had taken. I needed to get home. ASAP!
When walked out the door I had to walk around a sheriff's deputy who was working security on his off time, I hope...and an obese sunburned woman in a Mickey Mouse string bikini who was sporting a mullett...wildly making out like their plane was going down!
This is a plus!
Obviously, they are very popular and we can't get enough of them.
Granted they can be a tad "out of sorts" at times.
Helpful for you neighborhood ladies in times of emergency with it's very convenient location.
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What a beautiful area to live in. Putting in a Dollar General would be the cherry on top of a cowshit sundae! Why aren't the residents of the Perdido area happy about this? Confusing!
Speaking of Urban Cowboy - does anyone else wonder why Bud would go back to skanky Sissy after she's been doing the horizontal bop with ex-con Wes, when he had this to look forward to coming home at night from a hard day on the oil rigs?
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Mahalo
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