YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SHUT THE BEACHES DOWN!

It's the hottest rumor going around Pensacola  and Perdido Key since Gene Valentino wanted to start up a combination bingo parlor - full naked body massage - strip club - rub and tug - on the grounds where the Sports Tavern now stands. The sneaky fucker almost pulled it off. It had broken ground before the rest of the County even heard about it.

The Coconut Telegraph is hotter than the gates of hell with the info that the Commissar of Perdido Key was summoned to the main chambers deep down in the bowels of the Escambia County Supply Closet - it's like the war room where President Obama watched Bin Laden get smoked only without any of the cool factor...including the occupants. 

The message was clear. The Mayor and the other Commissioners were contemplating shutting the beaches down for the 4th of July! 

The fucking pandemic has hit Florida and Escambia County with a vengeance! It's reported that there are only nine ICU beds left in the area.

floridacovidaction.com

(The only reliable site for COVID-19 numbers in Florida. It's run by the lady who was fired by DeSantis when she refused to cook the books.)

Residents of Perdido Key were alerted to the fact that Commissar had been summoned by the fact that a Sheriff's office prowler - rarely seen on the Key so it attracted a lot of attention - drove to the Commissar's estate and escorted him with lights a flashing to the underground lair.

He was sweating with rage when he barged into the chambers. "Bullshit will those beaches close! All the tourists who were going to the beaches down south that are now closed will be heading up here! This will be the biggest 4th of July in Escambia Country history! And you can take it from me, the Commissar of Perdido Key. I tell it like I see it and I shoot from the hip!"

"You stupid sons of bitches leave it to me! I've got the reins on this crazy stallion! And I'm riding her home."

A lowly Commissioner meekly raised his hand. "Commissar, isn't a stallion a m..."

"Shut up, heathen! I'm in charge of this goddamn ship now!"

"First I must send a message to my people."

"Then I have to find the right man to run the operation." 

"My pull with the Religious Right will help with getting the social distancing message out at no cost to us. They can post this bullshit on all their message boards. Let's them know were concerned about them."

"My ties with the military will help shitloads. People get all patriotic and shit when the 4th of July rolls around. We'll billboard these son of a bitches all over town."

"Somebody get some kind of music promoter on the horn. Rap, Bap, Rock, whatever the kids call it these days. We'll put on a concert!"

"Fireworks up the ass!"

"I've got social distancing plan and signs being designed by some top notch interns for the beaches and other areas around town."

"What the hell is with the kangaroos, Commissar?"

"We have kangaroos bouncing their asses all over Perdido Key! It was part of my Master Environmental Plan to "Aussie Up Perdido Key". Jesus Christ! Don't you remember anything."

"But some of the local people don't want the tourists coming here and spreading the virus."

"To hell with them," the Commissioner spat on the floor.

"We'll harass them."

(Message posted from the first beach opening which was retreaded by the Commissar.)

"We'll encourage snitching."

"I'll have their asses arrested if I have to."

"We have a chance to attract the highest quality, biggest spending group of tourists in decades."

"We're going to have one hell of a 4th you chickenshit bastards!

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MAHALO

FITI