From: The Commissar of Perdido Key
To: All residents of Perdido Key and District 2 residents
may they be Christian or Heathen
CC: The Adjutant to the Commissar
Subj: SAFE SEX DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC
I put out a Facebook posting and other information yesterday supporting the cause of good personal hygiene, although my feelings against wearing masks so you or someone else doesn't wind up on a ventilator remains strong as the fiber of this country.
But now, goodness gracious, some people got so upset that I have been directed by the powers above (against my Libertarian beliefs) to touch on a subject that makes many of you good folks including myself, very nervous and a little queasy.
S - E - X
DURING THE COVID-19 HOAX
Luckily for us, our second in Command of this great country of ours feels the same way, so we're all in good company (except for you heathens reading this).
#1 - SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK
First of all, I'm a firm believer in remaining a virgin until your wedding day. And once you marry that woman you stick by her side until the day you get lowered into that grave.
I grew up in the Deep South, a mystical land where a man's greatest gifts in the world are obesity, drinking low quality beers, fried foods, antiquated racial beliefs, throwing up in parking lots, wearing Duck Dynasty t-shirts, and his belief in God.
As a child I was trained in the art of being "manly." This included such Commandments as, "Thou shalt not burp," "Thou shalt not use words like 'pee'," and "Thou shalt always keep thine dipstick in thy pants."
Of course, these social graces of manliness were only part of the entire package. There were also the spiritual disciplines: patience, gentleness, a quiet spirit, hospitality, submission, nurture, and above all, MODESTY. These I cultivated at church events, where I volunteered in the children's ministry, sought counsel from pastoral staff on major life decisions, and submitted to my father's rules, advice, and protection until the time that he would hand my care over to my future wife.
So if you're not married you should follow the rules of Mike Pence and not be having relations outside of holy matrimony anyway. This will help to slow the threat of the Corona virus and no mask mandate required. And no beating off! You get the urge: read your Bible, go to a movie, shoot hoops, volunteer at a Trump campaign center, or worse comes to worse you just give me a call and I'll talk you through it.
#2 - THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY
As a youth, my Sea Scout troop leader took me to see this moving picture show and to this day I remember it's horrifying message and quite...
...frankly I still don't understand anyone of it with all the "who has what parts" monkey business. There is no need for further discussion on this subject. It just plain confuses me. And why did my Sea Scout leader have a hole in the bottom of his popcorn bucket?
#3 - MASTURBATION AND PORNOGRAPHY
First, I would like to say that masturbation is extremely dangerous. It has negative side-effects. It might be pleasurable for the moment, but it has serious mental, physical, and spiritual consequences. Sex is good and it was made to be between husband and wife for intimacy, enjoyment, and for making babies. Masturbation is essentially rejecting and twisting what God intended between husband and wife. You find a way to do your own thing with self-stimulation.
Any sailor in my command caught shooting his demon seed into a so-called "Cocksock" has stood tall before the man. Three days in the brig on bread and water and a nightly beating by Marine guards with their batons just like in Portland with those damn liberal dread lock wearing, essential oil wearing...
...but anyway. This concludes my part of the presentation. I cannot discuss pornography as I have never seen it and the U. S. Navy does not allow it so due to Naval regulations I cannot speak of it.
So, in a nutshell:
- Don't have sex unless it's with your wife (only)
- Take a daily shower with proper scrubbing of the nether regions including the bunghole
- Don't look at pornography (ever) unless it's GOP certified...
- No masturbating unless your wife does it for you
- Remember it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve
I would now like to welcome onboard our Great Leader's hand picked newest Doctor to lead the fight against the Pandemic hoax even though he doesn't know what country she comes from.
👌
ATTACHED IS THE LATEST MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE ECHWCDC!
(Posted against my approval)
THE PROS AND CONS OF GLORY HOLES!
The Escambia County Health and Wellness Center for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s review the ups and downs for glory holes.
So our team did some first-hand research and compiled a list of all of the positives and negatives associated with sticking or receiving a dick through a hole in a bathroom stall and into some stranger’s orifice
PROS:
– Meet new people with common interests
– Eye contact with strangers can be awkward
– Nothing’s hotter than a public bathroom
– Vacation in your state's most breath-taking truck stops
– If you get nervous, you can picture them naked
– Stay up-to-date in the latest footwear fashion
– Sex in public
– Multi-task and work on your bathroom stall graffiti. "He who writes on bathroom walls rolls their shit in little balls" and so on
– Face it, you were gonna do it sooner or later
– Creating one at home makes for a fun family DIY project
– You get a story to tell
CONS:
-You have to tell that story to the cop who busts you
– Can’t tell if they’re wearing a mask
– Your voice isn’t as sexy as you think it is
– Gotta bring your own lube, and that’s a hassle
– Filing the report to register as a sex offender can be a pain in the ass
– Sex before marriage is a one-way ticket to hell
– Sex in public
– No high-fives
– Shit, weren’t blowjobs considered a high COVID risk?
– Busting an anonymous fat nut won’t solve world hunger
– You’ll probably fall in love
After compiling all the positives and negatives, we hope you use the most sensible and safe sexual methods possible in this pandemic.
Fèihuà
